If you consider yourself shy, you are not alone. The irony is that when you feel shy, you really do feel alone. According to Psychology Today, nearly 50% of people consider themselves shy. If you are one of them, you often encounter feelings such as "bashfulness," or are "easily frightened away and timid," or worse are "suspicious and distrustful." Almost everyone has been in a situation where they felt "less than" or "criticized" or that they had to "impress" someone. Here's the kicker: though you might think that you do, usually you have no reason to feel shy at all. It is all in your head. How to tackle your shyness? Learn to be more assertive. You can only kick destructive behaviours to the curb by facing them and replacing them with new and better ones. Here are some tips on how to be more assertive in your day-to-day life.
Be Present
It is easy to feel intimidated by that really pretty and popular girl, or your boss with the fancy title in his Prada suit. Part of the reason that you do feel that way is because you admire them on some level. Admiration is okay - it's when admiration swings into fear you can get into trouble. When you find yourself in these kinds of situations - breathe, and stay in the moment. Be present. The reason why you start to blush or sweat when you see or talk to them is because you have allowed thoughts of inferiority to creep into your head. Then, you end up projecting your belief that you are inferior onto them, as though they are thinking your thoughts, even though they are not true (even if they do think so, in essence, we are all equal). Breathing keeps you present in your body and rooted in reality, and keeps your mind from starting to race with such imaginary thoughts.
Mindfulness psychotherapist Steve Flowers reminds us that "bringing all your attention into the body starves anxiety and puts a damper on its flames," and that peace emerges when you "are actually here, in this moment, without being consumed by words, concepts, and judgements."
So, the best thing to do is to keep yourself in the moment as you talk to people, and remind yourself that a pretty smile is just a pretty smile, and a Prada suit is just a Prada suit. They are only things. They don't mean anything. There is nothing to be afraid of. Stay present and look beyond appearances. The beauty queen might like you just as much as you like her, but she hides it better. And your boss wouldn't look so powerful without his fancy title, and wearing only his polka-dot underwear, now would he?
Observe Your Thoughts, But Don't Believe Them
All behaviours, including being shy or being assertive, start with your beliefs, and then ripple out towards your thoughts and your actions. A lot of what you believe is unconscious - until you start paying attention to it. Instead of allowing your mind to race all of the time, forcing you to react on auto-pilot in all of your dealings, try observing the thoughts that come and go in your head, particularly when you are in an intimidating situation.
Once you do this, you will notice that many of them are not true at all - in fact, many of them are absolutely ridiculous! For example, thoughts like, "She would never go out with me," or, "My boss thinks that I'm ill-equipped and that I don't deserve a raise." But if you never stop to pay attention to them, you would never know that. Instead, you would allow the thought to come into your head, affirm it without question, react to it with another similarly absurd thought, which then would send ripples to your body in the form of emotions like fear, and finally actions, such as perspiring, blushing or running away. It then becomes a vicious cycle. Dr. Flowers affirms that "one of life's great challenges is learning to listen to thoughts with clarity and discernment and without being taken over or deluded by them."
In order to tackle limiting beliefs that cause you to think, feel and be shy, start paying attention to your thoughts, but don't believe them. Don't judge them as good or bad, or you will keep the cycle going. Just watch them come and go, and stay present, and sooner or later, they won't come back. It is at this point that you start telling yourself how wonderful, smart and charming you really are. Eventually, these beliefs will replace the dead weight in your subconscious mind, and in turn, affect your thoughts, emotions and actions in a more positive way. This will help you to feel and be more assertive.
Use "I" Statements
I am famous for these. I want ... I do ... I don't ... I like ... I am ... I will ..., etc.. Now that you have tackled your body and your mind, you have to learn how to act more assertively by communicating more directly. If you really want something, use "I" statements. They are powerful because they are direct, they let the person that you're speaking to or writing to know exactly what you want, and they are clear and concise. Nothing beats simplicity and clarity.
So, instead of approaching your crush and rambling nervously, "This weather is great, isn't it? How is your day going? What will you be doing after class?," Walk up to her confidently and say, "I would love to take you out for dinner tonight. Are you free?" Slam dunk. Less is more.
Let's break this statement down. First of all, everyone is attracted to a confident person. Second, your bold "I" statement made it clear to her that you were interested in her, and not interested in wasting time or playing games, which is also very attractive. Third, you were clear and concise so that she had no way of mixing up what you are saying, which makes it easier for you to get a yes! And fourth, you were direct, which ensures that you will get an answer either way. Even if you get a no, at least you tried and you were effective. Now you can leave her feeling good about yourself regardless of whether the outcome was what you wanted or not. Always try, try, and try again. Feeling shy often comes from letting past failures or experiences colour your present experience. So don't let them!
Non-Verbal Communication Is Equally Important
Now that you know how to speak assertively, you have to learn how to be self-aware and to act assertively. This will take some self-monitoring. Often unknowingly, our non verbal cues reveal our thoughts, feelings and motives to others. Gazing into someone's eyes often says more, and is more powerful than actually saying the words, "I Love You." A study conducted by a group of students at UCLA "indicated that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by non verbal cues. Another study indicated that the impact of a performance was determined 7 percent by the words used, 38 percent by voice quality, and 55 percent by the non verbal communication."
Seven percent! The power of words has been gravely overestimated. Now that you know this, you can take the time to edit your non-verbal behaviour. When you are going to ask your boss for a raise, it is equally important to use direct eye contact, upright posture, friendly but firm facial expressions, composed and subtle hand gestures and a steady pitch and audible tone of voice. Whether you are standing or stitting, situate your body so that you are facing him directly and so that your feet are square with his. This shows that you are fully engaged in the conversation and that you are interested in him (in a professional way, of course).
Quite simply, all of these non-verbal cues show that you mean business. If you mean business, he will have to mean business too.
Accept Yourself
As we have discovered, feeling shy often stems from feelings of unworthiness, inferiority or down-right fear based on our past experiences, or what other people have told us about ourselves. Instead of taking the criticism of others personally or seriously, let them have their say, and then keep your distance. Even more important, be sure to focus on and remind yourself of all of the great things that you can do, and that you have already done, instead of focusing on your mistakes or imagined weaknesses. You are only what you tell yourself that you are. And finally, stay out of the past. As Dr. Flowers reminds us, "The body can become an expression of a person's history." This can be in the form of frown lines (negative worrying) or laugh lines (positve smiling). Your choice. Just because one pretty girl turned you down last week, doesn't mean that this one will too. Accept yourself so that others will be confident in accepting you, too.
Lord Alfred Tennyson once exclaimed, "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost; Than never to have loved at all." He's right. Put yourself out there - I mean, what is the worst that can happen, and what can you really lose? You can only gain from any situation - if you choose to see it that way, that is.
Sources
- Carducci, Bernardo and Zimbardo, Philip July 30, 2010 “Are You Shy?” Psychology Today Accessed April 25, 2011
- Flowers, Steve MFT The Mindful Path Through Shyness (Oakland: New Harbinger Publishers, 2009)
- Heathfield, Susan "Listen with Your Eyes: Tips for Understanding Nonverbal Communication" About.com Accessed April 26, 2011
- Shy. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. (accessed: April 28, 2011).
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