Buh-Bye Fear, Buh-Bye Guilt

Mar 4, 2011
Tara Krebs

Fearful Man - Pixomar

How to conquer feelings of fear and guilt, and replace them with feelings of hope and happiness.

Although we perceive obstacles in our lives in many different forms, there is really only one obstacle to true happiness. That obstacle is fear. Fear, which also encompasses anxiety, anger, guilt, depression, hate and envy, is that condition that overcomes our minds and in turn, our bodies when we feel vulnerable, uncomfortable or unhappy. In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle states that "the psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger" occurring when we worry about the past or future, and that "it comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia and so on."

Unfortunately, fear leaves us trapped in time and space, unwilling to learn from our past, and unwilling to take a step forward. We often perceive the cause of fear as happening to us, such as losing a job, going through a tough break-up or losing a loved one. But really, the cause is coming from our minds. Even though you can feel it on the outside, you wouldn't if you put yourself back in the moment and saw things differently from the inside. Here are some tips on how to conquer fear and guilt, and to replace them with hope and happiness.

Change Your Mind

We all go through tough times. When racing thoughts are going through your head, such as "How am I going to make that next bill payment?" and "Will I be alone forever?" it can be very difficult to calm down. But there is a trick to facing fear such as this.

Whenever I am struck with an anxiety-provoking situation (as these situations tend to hit you fast and good), I remind myself that it is what it is – and I am not in control. Fear happens when we think that we have lost control over something, someone or some circumstance in our lives. Human beings don't like uncertainty and ambiguity. But remember, you can't move ahead if you're stuck worrying about what things look like now, or if you're worrying about tomorrow.

So, change your mind about the situation. Instead of seeing it as a negative experience, just don't judge it at all. I'm not even saying that you have to turn it into a positive situation. Keep it neutral. Just remind yourself that you are not in control of what happens here – but you are in control of what you think happens here. The best thing to do is to not think about it, and if you do, don't label it as good or bad. Just observe it happening and surrender. That's when "good" things start happening.

Give It All You've Got

You have to bite the bullet and take risks in life if you want to be happy. Now, there is a big difference between taking a risk, and trying to control things. Trying to control things will only hurt you more later when they spin out of your control due to unforeseen circumstances (and they always will when you work with control).

Taking a risk, on the other hand, is following your inner guide and taking a chance on something even though the prospects and the appearance of the situation look ugly. So, when you have that dream company all planned out in your head, refuse to look at the seeming limitations, such as a lack of money, a lack of experience, and so on. Give it all you've got. Tell yourself that the only way that you will be afraid is if you don't take the risk and you don't start that company, or ask her out on a date, or stick up for yourself at work. Then you will have regrets, and regrets are fearful.

Just accept your circumstances and have faith in the outcome that you cannot see just yet. That is when miracles happen. Deepak Chopra reminds us that "most people look back and ask, What was I so worried about? Why was I so hard on myself, or my children?" The happiest people on earth are those who charged forward in the face of adversity.

It's All The Same

Don't judge others, don't judge your circumstances and most importantly, don't judge yourself. Judgement breeds fear. Who cares if you fail? Only you care (though you don't think that). But I am telling you not to care.

There are a few reasons:

One – if you failed, you were supposed to, and you should have learned something from it;
Two – you will care more that you did not try in the first place – and that is real failure; and
Three – you only fail if you think you fail, and you see it as failure.

There really are no failures, as there really are no successes. It's all the same. This is the trick. And it's a hard one to grasp. Detach yourself from everything you do, everything you see, everyone you meet. Look at it from a place of meaning, and not at the outside form of it. When you treat everything as all the same – black or white, good or bad, rich or poor – I mean everything, and don't judge it, you will get rid of fear. Once you see that what seems fearful is really the same as what seems safe, you realize it is all the same, and you let go of the outcome.

Guilt Doesn't Exist

Guilt is a form of fear, but I have to highlight it here because I believe it is the driving force behind all fear. Guilt is what keeps you small and unhappy. You might be guilty about your past; you might be guilty about your parenting skills; you might be guilty that you don't have as much experience as the one ahead of you at work (but you don't know it).

Whatever you are guilty about – usually you don't know it. But we can see the guilt on the outside in the form of unhealthy habits and addictions, working too much, gossiping about other people and ultimately, depression. People around you will try to make you feel guilty without knowing it because they feel guilty, and the horrible cycle continues. Don't feel guilty. There is nothing to feel guilty about. The past doesn't matter. If it did, you could bring it back, but you can't. You did the best that you could.

In A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose, Eckhart Tolle explains the nature of our self-image, or ego, as sustained by guilt and fear. As we grow up, we become identified "with a gender, possessions, the sense-perceived body, a nationality, race, religion, profession ... roles such as mother, father, husband, wife ... accumulated knowledge or opinions, likes or dislikes, and also things that happened to 'me' in the past, the memory of which are thoughts that further define my sense of 'me and my story.'"

The main cause of guilt is identifying with a false self-image. We feel pressure to be all of those wonderful things that our parents wanted us to be. We feel pressure to wear the same clothes and drive the same car as our friends do. We feel pressure to have a bigger house and a bigger paycheque than our colleagues. And finally, we feel pressure to conform to the rules of the group so that we fit in. It's sad, but this fear is what drives a society that thrives on self-image. Forget your self-image, and start worrying about what happiness feels like. Ask yourself: does it make me happy or fearful to listen to that person? Am I doing it out of guilt? Am I wearing these clothes because I am happy, or am I guilty and I feel have to?

Many people don't realize that most of their actions stem out of guilt. People who are not guilty don't expect themselves or other people to live up to their enlarged expectations. They simply live in the moment, and take action that makes them happy. More importantly, they understand that people are responsible for their individual happiness, so they don't try to please anyone else except themselves, or feel pressure to sacrifice for anyone or anything else.

Sacrifice Is a Myth

Which brings me to my final point. The way of the world says that, "life is hard" and "success takes sacrifice" and "if you sin, you will be judged and you will go to hell" and all of these age-old sayings that keep people trapped in fear. Well, call me a pioneer, but modern day literature refutes these notions, and so do I. An honest person will tell you that if they are sacrificing, they are not happy. And I say if you're not happy, it ain't worth the sacrifice.

Don't let people scare you. Just because they have sacrificed their lives for other people or for something, doesn't mean that you have to do the same. That's guilt, and that is acting out of fear. Life isn't easy, but you will find that when you live your life out of love, trust and peace instead of fear, things will just happen for you with little effort. If what you are doing seems hard, then you shouldn't be doing it. Focus on doing what you love and being with those that you love. Never sacrifice who you are. Giving up your individuality is hell on earth, and will only create more fear in your life.

Just remember that when you feel angry at someone, or you are envious of them, or you are anxious about a situation, what you are really feeling is fear, and that fear comes from guilt. Try to explore the possible reasons why you might feel guilty and realize how absurd they really are, and the fear will begin to subside. Life becomes easier and the circumstances much smoother when we let go of the outcome, and embrace what is here now.